Being Ella's Mom

It's been ten months since we met our darling Ella. She is the sunshine of our lives and has brought heaven into our home.
Obviously ten months of motherhood still places me in the rookie category, but this little girl has changed my life, altered my perspectives and illuminated my testimony of God's love.

When I was halfway through my pregnancy, I overheard a conversation that crushed me for a little while afterwards. Two people who I admire and respect were conversing, not realizing that I could hear everything they were saying, about how YOUNG I was to be having a baby (I am! It's true!), how quickly I was having a baby after getting married (It's true! It was fast!), and how that wasn't the particular life path that they would have chosen. Okay, so really not a big deal, right? AND, everything they said was totally and completely 100% true (#stereotypicalmormongirl.) For some reason, I fed into what I had heard and I started to doubt my ability to mother this baby girl that I had yet to meet.

I was only 21, and I didn't know what the heck I was doing.
I had dreams of traveling the world, studying art, and having a career.
Scott and I were newbies at the whole marriage thing, and we still had so much to learn (still do!)
I wasn't finished with school yet--I still had/have a couple of semesters to go.

I was so insecure about this upcoming change in my life. I felt incapable and inadequate. And I was terrified thinking of the new responsibilities I would have.

Now, 10 months later, I still sometimes feel inadequate and incapable. I am the most-frequent caller to the after-hours nurse at Ella's doctors office. I may or may not have frantically raced to the ER twice thinking that Ella was terribly ill just to be sent home by a kind doctor who probably laughed as I left after telling me that my baby was perfectly healthy. One time I let my baby lick a chocolate covered raisin and the next thing I knew I was giving her the Heimlich. I panic as I read blogs from moms who seem to have it all together, who's babies are singing songs and reading Jane Austen novels by six months old (jk, but sometimes it feels that way!) and who proudly proclaim that it only took them 5 days to get back to their pre-pregnancy weight. I sometimes get frustrated and want to cry when my baby poops on the carpet or when all she wants to do is play with computer cords and lick the bottom of all of the shoes in the house.

In short, you guys, I am dumb. I am so imperfect in my mothering. But being a mom, especially to my angel girl Ella, is more enriching and wonderful and rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

As I said earlier in the post, this little girl has come and filled my life with the light of God's love--for her, for me, and for my whole family. I am her mom, and I just can't explain how much I LOVE this girl! How could anyone love something more than I love my Ella girl? But someone does. Heavenly Father loves Ella so perfectly, so unconditionally, so much more than I could ever comprehend. Being her mom and feeling that parental (although imperfect) love for her has taught me so much about the love that God has for all of His children. Ella pinches her finger in a drawer and looks up at me with her sweet little sad face. And my heart melts and all I want to do is snuggle and kiss her and make it better. She takes a couple of steps towards me while her little face beams and I feel like my little one has just conquered the greatest feat ever. Her giggles are contagious and my heart breaks when she is sick or hurting. Even though I love her with my whole heart, my love for her is imperfect. But God's love for His precious girl is perfection.

As I watch my baby learn and grow, I can't help but feel like I am learning so much about how God feels not only about this precious spirit that He is entrusting me to raise, but also about His love for me. I am starting to think that that's what being a parent is all about. Feeling a tiny ounce of the perfect love Heavenly Father has for His children. He cheers us on, is happy when we make even one small step to come closer to Him, understands when we are hurting, and wants us to be happy and successful (even more than we can imagine!)

It makes me think that this whole experience as a parent is cyclical and, in turn, is showing me that He understands my shortcomings as a mother, that He is happy when I turn to him, and that He wants me to be successful. I am in awe of the opportunity He has given me to be a mother, and I am thankful that He is always there to help me, and to lift me from my imperfections (because I have SO many!)